Great Britain
Great Britain: great Britain, or the greatest Britain? Along with Ireland and weenie little Britain, Great Britain is one of the three main British Isles. British History See Main Article: British History As there's not much point worrying about history before the birth of Jesus, 0 AD would be a good starting point. According to the lyrics of the hymn 'Jerusalem', Jesus visited Britain. Noone in Britain is impolite enough to contest this. Friendly British natives were then rudely invaded by the Romans during their imperial days, not to be confused with the infinitely better and more polite British Empire. The Romans couldn't invade Scotland, so one man called Hadrian built a wall sealing it off. The Romans then left when the Empire was ravaged by barbarians (Germans causing trouble; a sign of things to come), which left the British to be rudely invaded again by Vikings, Angles, and Saxons. Just when the Angles and Saxons got all comfortable, Britain was conquered by the French in 1066. They were led by William Wallace the Conquerer. Britain was never invaded again, unlike the French, which is ironic. However, Americans don't understand irony, so it's not worth mentioning. Not a lot happened after that, until a series of wars were fought over roses. It was called the War of the Roses. Eventually, the Tudors won. Henry VII was famous for being boring and probably Welsh. Henry VIII was fat (possibly American), and was never happy with his wives (definitely American). His son, Edward VI, died pretty quickly after taking the throne, but was the first Englishman in space. Mary I tried to counter the cold British weather by burning Protestants, and Elizabeth I beat the Spanish and was ginger. After Elizabeth died with no children (she had them taken off her for shaving her head and taking drugs), the Scottish king James Stuart was invited to rule. After a few Jameses and halfway through one Charles, the British tried revolution when it was all the rage in Europe. However, they didn't much like it, returned the monarchy and apologised for the inconvenience. They went back to Charles again. However, finding that he was dead (someone had cut his head off), they opted for his son as a replacement. They then got bored with their Stuart monarchs (something to do with the name), so invited the Dutch King William of Orange to have the throne in 1688. This was called the 'Glorious Revolution', which was bloodless. This again displays the general British attitude towards revolutions. The next quarter of a millennium was spent kicking in the Dutch and the French. Successfully. Britain decided to own a quarter of the world's population. The other 3/4 were too ugly, and they decided to let America go. 'It's not me, it's you', said King George III. France tried to make their own empire in Europe under Napoleon. Britain got a bit tired of Napoleon's rude attitude, so rolled up their collective sleeves and beat the crap out of him at Waterloo in 1815. Then, it was Germany's turn. After beating the Huns twice in two world wars, Britain thought it best to let her Empire go. After a glorious career as the best country in the world ever, Britain passed the torch on to America and has since been enjoying her retirement. "Great Britain has lost an Empire and has not yet found a role" (Dean Acheson). Naaaah, we're just setting up the skittles again. Great Britain Today Today, Great Britain has gone to the dogs. Quite what this means is a mystery, and Brits are too polite to ask. Great Britain Geography Almost all Geography was invented in Great Britain. Plate tectonics (1-0 Alfred Wagener for Germany) remains a rare Away defeat. British Climate The sun does not set on the British Empire, but only because the sun doesn't shine on the British Empire. If that were to happen all British people would burst into flames. British Landmarks Hadrian's wall was built to keep the English out of Scotland, but it failed as all Scottish projects do. British Politics Every five years The Queen declares an election is to take place. A week later all British citizens flock to the Parliament building and politians place their right hand upon it while balencing on their left leg. Whoever lasts the longest gets to rule, as this shows how balenced their arguments are. If no one wins this is called a hung parliment. Usually Scottish people win, due to extra strenght because of manly scottish sports. British Government Since the demise of End-of-the-Pier shows, What the Butler Saws, Knobbly Knees Competitions, Billy Smart's Circus and so on in the late 1950s, the British have compensated for the lack of poltroons, fools, knaves, wastrels, clowns et caetera in public life by "Electing" them to "Parliament" from whence they "Govern" the "Country". This adds immensely to the gaiety of the Nation whilst bewildering foreigners, which is mostly the point. The Monarchy Observances Religious Britain is a religiously diverse nation, with religions running the gamut from Godless Heathen Paganism to Free Masonry. Non-Religious America senior will be adding Independence Day as one of their holidays. However in this country it will be know as "Good Riddance" day instead. It will be celebrated by Her Majesty's loyal subjects politely sipping tea and pointedly not throwing it into the ocean. The Tabloids And Other Media All British people get their news from The Sun. This is an example of a 'Red Top' (so called because of its red top) - seemingly communist and potentially gay, but not so. Britain's newspapers publish exclusively extreme right politics, naked women called Abbi and Gemma, and information about football teams winning and losing against one another. They all hate gay people, ethnic minorities, and immigrants (especially ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS). They get their comedy from the BBC. Especially popular is a fat, prejudiced man called Chris Moyles who talks about farts and tits on the radio while British people drive to work. Programs such as Newsnight, Gardener's World and Comic Relief are held as the most successful British comedies of all time. Famous People From Great Britain *Oliver Cromwell: British Patriot/Twat, depending on one's educational levels. *Winston Churchill: Killed 1,209,484 Germans bare-handed in World War II. Had a stammer. *Tony Blair: Helped America invade Iraq. A Typical Day In Great Britain Get up. Forget to brush teeth and get dressed. Watch cricket on the televsion while eating breakfast consisting of two pigs and an unborn chicken. Run from house to catch late train singing 'God Save the Queen'. Get to office. Whinge with colleagues about fat Americans and the French whilst desperately trying to do as little work as possible. In quiet moments muse about former imperial glory. Leave work and go to the pub. Get steaming drunk as quickly as possible before going home to eat something very fatty and swear at the television. Go to bed. Repeat. Strange Laws in Great Britain It is illegal to be Irish in Britain. British Oddities Everything. Great Britain, England Or The United Kingdom: Which Is It? Make Up Your Minds Already! Listen it's really quite simple. 'England' is a country in the 'United Kingdom of Great Britain below and Northern Ireland'. However it really pisses those Celts off when you refer to their countries as England, so please do carry on doing that. 'Great Britain' is not actually a real country, but exists as the collective hallucination of the inhabitants of the U.K. It's basically the island that contains England, Scotland and Wales. Just to annoy the Northern Irish, who cannot pronounce 'how' properly. It resembles the real United Kingdom in many ways, except it is a really great place to live, rather than the miserable rainy shit-hole of Europe we all really know it to be. This mass delusion that we are really great was even stronger a few hundred years ago, and was one of the driving reasons we enslaved half the world into our British Empire. You see, it was really a charitable gesture, we just wanted the rest of the world to be as great as we thought we were. It turns out the rest of the world didn't appreciate being told what to do by a bunch of pasty pansies with bad teeth. Modern Britain is still coming to terms with the fact that it might not be that great after all. Dentistry Oral hygiene is believed to be a myth propagated by the elusive "tooth fairy." She is used to frighten children into not flossing. Weather The British spend the magority of their lives complianing about the weather. The Monarchy Great Britain is an absolute Monarchy, this means all power and decision making responsibily lies with HRH Elizabeth II the Frump, Gawd bless her. However due to her extreme laziness she usually allows 'the government' to do all the hard day to day running of the country. This leaves her days free to do what she really loves - squandering her ever diminishing fortune at the races. This terrible addiction is the only flaw in Great Britain's otherwise perfect Monarch, and is the cause of much sadness among her subjects. Every year the Beloved Leader addresses her loyal subjects on Christmas day, as being a scientologist she does not acknowledge or celebrate the birthday of our dear lord Jesus Christ, so does not take it off. It is traditional for her subjects to gather round the television and stand upright saluting for the entire duration of her speech. Failure to watch the Queen's speech is punishable by death, or worse being exiled to France. This is the only crime for which the death penalty is still reserved, and quite rightly so. Wimbledon See main article: Wimbledon Tea Lets all have a nice hot cup of tea now shall we? Has anyone got any biscuits? Cricket Cricket is a "sport" played on grasshoppers or something. Contributions To Popular Culture In The Past * Everything. Ever. It was then copied by the USA and popularised. In Music *Listen to some music. If they're not singing in American accents, it'll be a British band. Even if they are, they might be British musicians pretending to be American. **It would probably be best to assume that all music is British. Unless it's shite, in which case it's French. On The TV Colonization Once And Future Colonies * America * Mars * Sweden * Most of France - returned due to the foul smell * Canada * Australia, or Austria. One of the two. * New Zealand. Probably Old Zealand too. New Motto Prime Minister Gordon Brown has asked all his British subjects to help Great Britain to find a motto for their Great Empire. "We don't want anything as gay as France's Liberté, égalité, fraternité (The liberty to surrender is equal for all Frenchmen)," Mr. Brown said through a spokesman, "and America's motto ("In God We trust") is a reflection of their nation in God's Holy Eyes, which we certainly aren't. So, we have to find something else that reflects our place in the world somewhere between France and America." Wikiality.com will provide this small place to assist Mr. Brown in this endeavor. Please post your suggestions for a new motto for Great Britain below. Suggest A New Motto * The French are snail eating poofs, and America is fat '' * ''Coffee is for benders! * Brush After Every Meal and Get Some Sun * Blair may have been Bush's little puppy dog, but france is our BITCH! * Our "Queen" has bigger jewels and ain't afraid to show 'em '' * ''No one thinks we're cool anymore... sigh * TEA!!!!!! AND BISCUITS!!!! AND CRUMPETS!!!!! WTF IS THAT STUFF?!??? * Allways look on the bright side of life (half should sing it, while the other half should do the whistling) * POWWWERRRRRRRRR!!!! - Jeremy Clarkson External Tubes *Britain becomes new World Capital of Cocaine... sorry Bolivia, maybe next year *Queen of England supports the free market! *British Police discovers new ice cream flavor! *Damn tea-sucking British Stole our Declaration of Independence!! *Shocking News: British People can haz orgasm!! *"Undesirables publicly humiliates Dutches of York: We are not amused! *Real British holds annual family picnic *UK to adopt America's Educational System! *ATMs infected with Cockney Virus *English Welfare Queens overthrows British Government *Gay British Man... (wait arent all British Gay?) infiltrates Government *Real American British Lady to expel foreigners *Britain to outlaw pints! *Real Britons to fight gay hippies *Real Briton accused of making too much money. Communists seizing his property *How the British view the world *Real British politician chases little girls on his bike *Britain to promote the sanctity of marriage *Real Great Britain to stop the threat known as "Libural Media" *Communism threatens british bankers *British Police imprisons anti-burglar vigilante *England to Televise Its First Three Way category:Countries that surrendered to France